Why is it that..

Every time I try to blog someone comes up behind me and is like... ooo whatcha doin? totally disrupts my concentration and I feel a little....over exposed? I suppose it shouldn't bother me.. i mean.. it woudn't bother me if they came to my blog and read it after I had finished.. but to watch me type the words I start feeling uneasy.. like this is a big secret and they are ruining it.

Hatin on tribute bands

My last stop friday night was to go see my friend and former boss play drums at Brewskeez in O'Fallon, MO. He has a newly formed 90's cover band named Flannel, and we were all there to show Joe Spink some love.
Flannel actually sounded pretty good.. I was pleasantly surprised. :)
They broke down their equipment and the opening act took the stage.. and here's where the night turned surreal.
The opening act was a Van Halen tribute band named "Mean Street." These guys were hard core.. they must have spent years studying moves, looks, and sounds. They wanted to be Van Halen.... and the crowd loved them for it.
I have no idea why a person would wake up one day and think.. I want to pretend to be David Lee Roth.... and just run with it. On top of that how do you find a guy that wants to pretend to be Eddie Van Halen (ok that one is probably easier).. and uhh whoever else was in the band?
Honestly.. other than being too loud ( I may have permanent hearing loss).. they were actually pretty good too.. I'm not hatin on 'em because they suck... I'm not hatin on 'em because I don't like Van Halen.. this goes out to all of the impersonators around the world..I'm hatin on 'em because instead of making their own music or even just being some guys that like to cover Van Halen.. they are trying to BE Van Halen.

The day I lost my mind

the account of my following actions might seem coo coo for cocoa puffs or even a little fatal attraction it's just my mean streak rearing it's ugly head. It was avoidable with a simple "hey I've met someone else" or even a "I'm sorry" after the fact.
Truth be told, I've been dating someone else from the beginning as well and was on my way to end it.. had he not been avoiding my calls for several days.

It starts out last Thursday.. I call on the way home from work.. we need to talk aka I'm done. He doesn't answer. His nephew answers the door "No, I don't know where he is." I say "OK, tell him I stopped by." I get ready to leave, and his mother comes to the door. She says "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but he's been seeing other girls and he left to spend the weekend with Rebra (the hanging Thread)." Truthfully she was not sorry she mentioned it, she was pissed that he wasn't going to be with the family over the holiday and was just being vengeful. "hmm OK, thanks for telling me," and I'm off to spend the night with the other guy. I email him while I'm on the road. "Call me when you get back from that girls house, I want my DVDs."

Friday, I find the name in one of the forwards he sent me. I email her "so you must be the girl seeing my guy, or as of last night, my ex. take him, I don't want him." No reply.. I find this interesting. I write him another email.. I want my shit (basically)

I didn't hear from them all weekend, doesn't matter, I'm having a great time with the other guy and I barely think about it.
I pull the thread a little harder Monday "I'm sorry things didn't work out between us, blah blah blah.. I just want my stuff so we can get on with our separate lives." I sent this message to him, but copied her on it.
Tuesday I finally get a reply, "come by any time to get your stuff." I reply, "thank you, I will be there tonight." Meanwhile I get the next message ready... this time, depending on the outcome of our meeting, I'm introducing Rebra to Jennifer the one he stayed the night with and the one he planned to stay with coming weekend.

I get to his house and my stuff is by the door. He won't come out of his room, so his mother and I loud talk bad about him for a little while and then I go up. "Bye." No reply, won't even look at me.. OK.. buddy.. get prepared, I'm pmsing and you just pissed me the fuck off.

I pulled the thread harder, out went the message to the girls.. Rebra did not reply, but Jennifer did.. she replied to me.. and to Rebra.
Last night I signed him up for a little gay porn.. which I thought was hilarious.

This morning, still giggling about the pr0n, I wondered what he has been telling Rebra.. I ran across her myspace page.. she's looking to talking to "anyone with some intelligent", I thought "oh lord.. she needs more help.. she'll stay."

go FireFox!
mail.yahoo.com
theprodical007
password hrmm.. what could it be? oh I know, don't be silly.. it's hardhead

in all of 2 minutes I was in his mail. Rebra was so confused she didn't know what to believe.. and lookee there.. Jennifer was too. oh please girls don't be so desperate.

First attack was Jennifer:
"I'm a liar and a cheater and I'm not going to change, find someone else."
Jennifer's reply "we can still be friends." I think "really??"

She replies again.. this time telling him to eff off and she hopes she didn't catch anything from sleeping with him (hmmm nice incriminating evidence forward to Rebra)

Rebra, still not convinced, thinks they can work it out. he says "no, I'll do it again, you should find someone that can make you happy."
rebra wants to stay, shit.. I need more.. looking through sent messages I find several intimate emails he sent to other women, I send her those.

NOW she's a believer.. "you really effed up this time buddy.. blah blah blah.. may the way you treat women come back to you 10 fold."

I'm giggling and glowing with pride... I've done what I set out to do.. let the girls know he's a fucking liar.. right then.. it happens.. I .. fucking.. snap

I think .. these are just 2 girls I've helped.. i must save the rest of humanity from little dick... but how?

here comes the myspace hack... info changed... messages sent to girls there... hrmm he'll just change the info.. but I don't care... it's a start.

"what else can I do?", I pondered.
Oh I know.. Plenty of Fish hack...this one I changed the email address and the password.. he's not getting that one back... I've decided.

I'm not done.. I can't stop now.. must destroy little dick but what else can I do? Oh thank you email.. he's a member of match.com.. let's change that profile. Done!

hrmmm email options.. auto response? really? He won't know how to change that(really).. should I do it? Of course! I spew out filth that came from a very dark place deep in the pit of my soul.. and I make the amount of time be the maximum of 6 months. While I'm at it, I make a signature for him to go along with all of his outbound emails. I start to feel a little guilty, but I do it anyway.

I giggle insanely.. searching for more... needing to feed my vengeful heart.

About an hour later he calls, "are you having fun?" I scream at him "Fuck yeah.. I'm having a great time.. and I'm just getting started.. aren't you having fun?" He doesn't want to speak.. he says there is nothing he can say.
I make him tell me he is sorry over and over and over again.. I scream.. "NO! Say it like you fucking mean it!!" and "you need to tell me why!" I tell him his bullshit answer of he doesn't know why won't cut it. I tell him next time he wants to try to be a fuckin player.. he'll remember dealing with this crazy bitch and think twice.
I hang up on him and remove the auto response and signature from his email..my mind desperately trying to grasp hold of of its sanity. I sip some green tea and write my blog to come back down to earth.

Fin

The problem with breakups

I was thinking about this as a distractor for studying.
The problem with that moment of rejection is that you can't say all of the things that you were holding back out of kindness without coming off as a bitter shrew... and you know this is your last opportunity to get it off your chest so you really want to say it.
For instance, the only way you ever got me off was with your hand and frankly I can do that myself. or I wouldn't go down on you because you are already a minute man.. and as Pharrell once said.. orgasmically narcoleptic... and my personal favorite you were too small to do it for me. All very true statements..but see? bitter shrew is written all over them.
I'm not bitter, a little obsessive compulsive, but not bitter. I'm over joyed because you see I was quite literally on the verge of leaving him for some of the afore mentioned reasons as well as a few others that we won't go into at this moment.
I guess I'll just have to take satisfaction from the fact that my complaints are blogged for the world to see.

Rules of the Ballet

So, a couple of months ago my sister in law, always trying to enrich her life with new cultural activities says to me " I have never been to see a ballet and I would really like to go, is that something that you would be interested in?" I said, well.. I've never been to a ballet either and I would be willing to check it out... what's showing? Sleeping Beauty? Oh that should be a good simple story. Should you bring your 7 year old.. hmmm.. noooo I think the ballet might be a little too grown up for her yet.. even if it is sleeping beauty.

a few days before it's time to go, I get a call from my sister in law... she has to work and won't be able to make the ballet. She's going to check with her friend to see if she wants to go with me and will call me back the following day... I don't hear from her, and I get really busy at work so it doesn't even cross my mind again.

The day of the ballet, I learn her friend does not want to go.. so my choices are try to find someone interested in the ballet or go by myself.. because I would feel bad wasting both tickets. I start calling and texting people.. mostly I get laughed at for the mere mention that they might be interested in losing 3 hours of their lives to a ballet... even if it is a sunday matinee. So I get ready and decide I have no choice but to go it alone.

First rule of the Ballet: Dont ask guys to go with you.. you will only be mocked and possibly cursed at.

what does one wear to the ballet I wonder? Is it a formal experience? bah, black dress pants and a button down shirt ought to do the trick. Make up? who exactly am I trying to impress.. I'm going alone. Since I have to wear shoes, it will be my usual sandals. 2:30 already? I gotta go!

I race myself off to the Edison theater at Washington University. Not quite sure of where I'm going, I follow the herd of women in dresses walking hand in hand with their daughters ranging in ages of 4-16.

Second Rule of the Ballet: apparently you should wear a pretty dress, not that wearing slacks will keep you out of the ballet.

I get in and to my seat with minutes before what was supposed to be first curtain. My seats ( I had 2 since I went alone of course) were actually pretty good. center stage, about 8 rows back. I texted friends to occupy my time while waiting to be entertained.15 minutes later it's show time.

Third Rule of the Ballet: don't expect it to start on time, you should have something to do while you wait.

So the show starts and there's dancing.. and more dancing.. and more dancing. hmmm.. why aren't they saying anything? is someone going to sing the story to me..maybe a voice over? no.. it's 3 hours of dancing (with 2-20 minute intermissions making it more like 2hrs and 20 minutes of dancing)

Fourth Rule of the Ballet: don't expect any dialog, read your playbook before the lights go out to follow the story.

after the second intermission, the little girl behind me started getting antsy and kicking my chair (hey I'm antsy too.. don't take it out on me). The mother told her to stop it once, the little girl did not stop and the mother didn't correct her.

Fifth Rule of the Ballet: Don't expect good parenting skills from your fellow audience members

conclusion: it was a long day ending in a headache and strong desire to sleep the whole thing away. Don't get me wrong, I recognized the beauty and difficulty in what the dancers were doing, and I did appreciate it on some levels.. I just think I don't know enough about ballet to appreciate it for what it was.

Do we really have to choose?

perhaps I'm just too.. oh I dunno the word. Here's the mandelima continuation..

So I've tried a couple of times now to cut clingy guy loose. To my surprise.. he just won't give up.. and I don't mind him so much now that I have his calling under control. It feels really good when we're together.. conversation is good.. and I enjoy the way he touches me and expresses what he wants.. the sex..... doesn't last very long.

then there is the other guy, very sweet.. and it also feels good when we're together. The sex is... wow and promises to get better. but he's very quiet and minimal foreplay.

I can probably train either guy.. but maybe I need more than one? Maybe I wasn't cut out to be monogamous after all

things that I don't say

the things I don't say could fill a bottomless pit.

the bosses wife.. "if you're busy, I want you to tell me no", one of the few times I actually do tell her no.. "well, I really want to do this and it will only take a minute" .. what I want to say... then why the fuck do you tell me to tell you no.. nothing EVER takes "just a minute".. obviously you want me to say yessa bossa.. I can do it

or there's the "let's get the testing rooms ready.. we really need to move forward on that" what I say.. absolutely, we need to complete the contract do you still have that? she says "yes, lets meet to talk about it" what I don't say.. shit! exactly how many times do we have to talk about the same thing and get no resolution.. we keep going in the same circle and it's a complete waste of my time. Just sign the damn contract and I can do the rest.

then there is the guy... I tell him I think things are moving to fast and I need him to go slow.. he's pressuring me... he says whatever you need. so we're hanging out, he says.."tell me you love me" or "lets have a baby" and I'm like.. huh??? so I say "I don't want a baby and how is this going slow" what I dont say is fuck dude why can't you be a fucking man. Do I look like I want to have a baby.. I certainly don't fucking love you.. you want me to lie to you? Stop fucking pressuring me and while you're at it, stop fucking calling me.

Why don't I ever say what's really on my mind? is it my incessant need to please? am I afraid I wont be liked? is it to avoid conflict? is it because I feel like what's bothering me won't matter in 20 minutes so why worry about it? I just don't know